A couple of months ago, I ran a series of blog entries about getting your spouse on board with you seeing sex workers as a compliment to your relationship. It was really popular – but it was spread out over five seperate entries over several days.
What I’ve done for you today is abridge it a bit so that you can read the original article all in one place. Because who wouldn’t want their partner sending them out to see sex workers???
As you may recall, WG6 ran a Twitter survey asking why some guys have never seen a sex worker before. Interestingly, 20% of the gents who responded said it was because they were in a committed relationship.
To the guys who answered that, congrats. Loyalty and honesty to your significant other is commendable and shows the level of care and respect you have for her. (That’s not to put down those who see sex workers without their significant others knowing – everyone’s individual situation is different.)
But for those guys who haven’t seen a sex worker because of their relationship status, let me ask you this: would you go see a sex worker if your significant other wanted you to? If it turned her on? If your sexual satisfaction in the arms of another woman contributed to your partner’s sexual satisfaction?
Seems like a ridiculous fairy tale, doesn’t it? The only conceivable reaction that your partner could have to you being with another woman is to throw all your clothes onto the front lawn and light your car on fire in a fit of betrayal fueled rage.
But the feeling of arousal or joy from one’s partner’s sexual satisfaction with someone else is a real thing and has just recently begun to be examined openly.
This feeling is known as compersion. Think of compersion as the complete opposite emotion of jealousy. It’s like when someone is genuinely happy for someone else when something good happens to that other person – like winning the lottery. Sure there’s jealousy … But if it’s someone you really care about, like a parent or child, the happiness for them far outweighs the jealousy … if there even is any jealousy at all.
Compersion is that same feeling of happiness for someone else … except with sex. You feel happy or aroused by the other person’s sexual satisfaction.
However, compersion isn’t the emotion that most people default to naturally when they think about their partner being with someone else. Society has always stressed monogamy and the violation of that monogamy naturally triggers jealousy. Just think about your partner being with another man – yep – that’s the default to jealousy I was talking about.
But, with an open mind, confidence in their relationship and a lot of positive re enforcement, people can learn to let go of jealousy and embrace compersion.
Now you might be thinking – nope, the swinger’s life isn’t for me! I don’t want to meet up with some couple, have sex with the guy’s wife while he has sex with mine. And it most certainly doesn’t have to be about that. (Unless you want it to be.)
Let me paint a picture of how it could be. Imagine an evening where you and your partner plan some fun. You have a drink together, you open up your laptop and both start looking at available sex workers in your area. She rubs your crotch while you’re looking – she’s as turned on as you are. Together, you select a woman who you both think you’d enjoy being with.
You make the arrangements to see the selected provider and prepare to go. You and your partner review ground rules and then you head out.
You have earth-shattering sex with the gorgeous provider while your wife or girlfriend is at home enjoying a glass of wine, watching porn and fantasizing about the fun you’re having. You come home to a partner who is beyond ready to go. You fuck her while she begs to hear every detail of what happened with the other woman.
Or what if she surprised you with a sexy call girl on your birthday and told you to have fun? Or hired a stripper for you and then gave you head while you watched the performance?
Sounds a little more interesting now, doesn’t it?
Well it’s not something that can happen overnight. Or over a couple of weeks. Or can be forced to happen. It can’t be rushed. It’s something that may take months or years to get to.
Now you might be thinking that you don’t want to wait that long for this to happen! Months? Years??? You want it now!!!
Don’t blame you. Just keep in mind that these months and years can be the most sexually rewarding ones you’re ever likely to experience. It’s not months and years of waiting in sexual frustration. The journey of getting to that place with your wife or girlfriend is full of erotic pleasures that you both will love. And if you don’t get there, at least you had some mind-blowing sex while trying.
Some of you might be reading this and wanting to do it but may have already begun seeing sex workers without your spouses knowing. This can still work for you … if you make the commitment to yourself to stop completely and follow the steps outlined in the next few posts to start doing things with your partner’s involvement. If you’re looking to do this because you feel guilt, this approach may help alleviate some of that.
Let’s face it, every guy dreams of sex with multiple gorgeous women. Porn Hub and every other porn site are based off selling this fantasy. Guys love to fuck hot women and lots of them … or at least they love the idea of doing it!
The reason for this is because of how we are genetically wired. Men have evolved to want to mate with as many women as we can … to spread our genetic code to as many mates as possible. It increases the likelihood of our genetic makeup being passed on from generation to generation. Most male mammals are like that.
Women, on the other hand, are geared to want to mate with one male and have him provide for their offspring. Hence feelings of insecurity when their partners venture elsewhere – the fear is that maybe they’ll stop providing.
But if you look at most social groups of mammals, the males mate with multiple partners. And in the case of gorillas or wolves or other social mammals, the various females all peacefully co-exist with eachother while caring for the same male’s offspring. It’s because they feel secure with their position within the group and that their young will be cared for by their mate.
So it just makes sense that while human males want to get it on with as many females as they can, females just want to feel secure in their place with their spouse. That is just part of our basic human drive to procreate.
Compersion is that feeling that can happen when the one person feels so comfortable and secure in their relationship with their partner that they are thrilled when their partner receives satisfaction from another. Because they feel so confident and care for their partner so much, they like it when their partner is happy – even sexually so. (It can also be experienced by both members which is where a lot of the success of the swinging community comes from.)
It is this comfort and security that is paramount in causing your wife or girlfriend to want you to be with other women. I cannot stress this enough: HER BEING SECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS THE KEY! That is what creates compersion instead of jealousy.
If your partner at all feels like you are doing things just so you can be with other women, it won’t happen – jealousy! She must feel like it is something that both of you are enjoying together – compersion! Once she feels left out, you’re done! The comfort and security evaporates. Instead, there will be frustration, resentment and it will no longer be fun for her.
You have to have the mentality that you seeing a sex worker is something that you and your partner are doing spiritually together. You’re going out to get stimulated by someone else so you can come back home for the main course – which is her!
The Rules of Compersion
Here are a few rules that you have to keep in mind before you even begin to look at the first step if it is going to work for you and your partner:
• Doing it has to be about both of you. Your spouse has to feel that way. And so do you.
• Don’t force it. If you want to be with a sex worker one day and she’s not up for it, don’t try to make it happen. It won’t. Instead have fun with her. Make her feel that if it doesn’t happen that night, you’re still perfectly happy to have a great night with her. Don’t sulk and make her feel that you only wanted to see someone else, not her.
• Don’t rush it. Take your time enjoying each step along the way. If you rush right to you having sex with an escort, she may not be emotionally there with you. It won’t work and could lead to problems.
• Be sensitive. If you can tell she’s going along with it but isn’t really into it, don’t do it. She will resent you later or feel hurt. And then the damage is done … and there can be major repercussions for your relationship.
• Always use the services of a professional sex worker – never someone you know or someone you met online. It is very unlikely that a sex worker is going to form an emotional attachment to you afterwards. So there is no need for your wife or girlfriend to feel threatened that they are going to lose you to them. Your spouse can simply view the sex worker as interactive porn for you who is of no threat at all to them.
• Discuss what both of you are comfortable with. You may be totally on board with seeing a sex worker … But how do you feel about your wife seeing a male sex worker … Or a female one? Or joining you for a threesome. She may say, if you get to go, so do I. If you’re not comfortable with her seeing someone and that’s her line in the sand, you may need to say that’s fine and just continue to only enjoy each other … Or explore your own sense of compersion.
• Set ground rules and follow them. Don’t do anything with the provider that you promised your partner you wouldn’t. If she feels like you’re breaking these rules, she won’t be comfortable and you could end up in relationship trouble.
If you follow these rules and really internalize them – believe in them – it can be a great journey for both of you.
Now, I’m quite sure you gonna wanna know how to get the ball rolling! Porn is the key!
Trying something different in the bedroom is always fun. And incorporating porn as part of that can be quite stimulating.
The reason you want to watch porn with your spouse is so that you can gently introduce her to the idea of you being turned on by someone else but still including her in the fun. Porn obviously doesn’t involve another person so the jealousy factor should be relatively low.
If you’ve never included porn in the bedroom, just tell her you want to try something new. Depending on her personality, she’ll be all for it or she’ll question your motives.
If she’s questioning, that’s the first sign of jealousy. You want to turn this jealousy into security. Assure her that it’s something you want to enjoy with her – that you both can get turned on by watching it together.
If she’s still unsure, ask her if there’s anything she’s ever fantasized about seeing. Whatever she says, chances are, there’s porn related to that – so put it on.
While you’re watching it with her, make sure you’re snuggled up together. Stroke her, nibble her a little, get things going. The more she gets turned on, the more she’ll relax. A little wine helps with this too. The more she relaxes, the more she’ll want to reciprocate.
While you’re watching, ask her for oral sex. Chances are, she’ll agree to it. This is where she is allowing you to watch another naked female while she pleasures you – an important mind-shift. Sit back, watch the porn while she takes care of you … But don’t cum. Before you cum, stop yourself and make sure you take care of her.
If she insists on making you cum, that’s good, but it is important that you make the effort to satisfy her before yourself. And if she did make you cum first, congratulations, she has started to feel the first glimmerings of compersion. You are on your way.
This next part is important. Whether she insists you cum first or not, you need to enthusiastically return the favour. Eat her out longer and more enthusiastically than you ever have before! Have passionate thrusting sex that she won’t soon forget! Make the session really memorable for her.
And then, after you’re both glowing from your intense session, make sure to make a comment along the lines of “holy fuck, did I ever like watching that with you!” The important part of that statement is the “with you.”
This makes her feel that it was something you did together – not that watching a naked pornstar got you off and she was just there as your spunk recepticle. She has to feel that it was about you and her – not just you getting off while you watch porn. If she asks why you liked it so much, explain that it was because it turned you on knowing that she was into you watching it.
The good part is, you won’t be lying. Watching porn while you both get each other off is really hot.
Your partner will go away remembering how turned on you were and how you good you made her feel because of how turned on you were. Then the idea of watching porn during love making will remind her of how good sex is when you watch it.
Over the next few love making sessions, you can try to bring porn into it again sometimes … Just not every time. If you do, she’ll start to feel that you can’t get aroused unless you’re watching porn. She has to know that you like having sex with her … because of her. Be sure to make some of the sessions happen without porn too. But when you do watch the porn, make an extra effort to really satisfy her.
And this exercise can take months. Don’t rush trying to get to the next step. Enjoy these sessions. Afterall, you are having great erotic sex with the woman you’re in a relationship with.
With your porn, you also need to become strategic. Pick your videos out in advance. This serves two purposes: 1) she may get turned off if you’re spending too much time trying to find the perfect clip to watch while she’s waiting for the fun to happen and 2) it allows you to steer the porn towards the next step – seeing strippers. Pick an erotic lapdance video which ends up being more than a lapdance. Porn producer, Spizoo has a great series called “The Stripper Experience” that can serve nicely.
You can use the porn to work both as something erotic to watch while you’re going at it but, more importantly, as a conversation starter.
While watching an erotic stripper video, you can mention something along the lines of how you’ve always fantasized about going to a strip club with her. And then drop it. She’ll ask for more, but don’t push. Just say maybe it’d be something fun to do in the future.
If she gets jazzed about it, talk about it more while you’re enjoying each other. Build up the fantasy.
If she seems a little uncomfortable with it, just shrug it off like it was just a fun thought and keep having great sex with her. The little nugget of your fantasy will stick with her until next time you guys fool around. She likely will have thought about it quite a bit.
In the future, she may bring it up again. She may be interested but may need reassuring. Let her know that lots of couples go to strip clubs together. Explain that if you did go, you’d do everything in your power to make her comfortable – including leaving even two minutes after getting there if she hated it. Again, it’s about making her comfortable at this point.
One thing you have to be very conscious of though is not to push it. If she becomes uncomfortable in the slightest, drop it. Let her know that it’s just a fun fantasy that you’ve had and that you wouldn’t ever make her do anything she doesn’t want to do.
If her reaction makes it seem like she will never set foot in a strip club, another suggestion you could make would be for you to go by yourself, not get any dances, get really turned on by the strippers on stage and then come home to her. Let her know that the strippers are nothing more than porn to you.
She may say that she’s not sure or she’s really uncomfortable. That’s ok. It may take her time to warm up to the idea. Keep doing the porn fantasy with her where you watch different stripper porn clips on occassion when you have your fun nights. She will come to know how turned on you get by it … And see how well you treat her when you get turned on that way.
She may eventually get comfortable with it. Or she may not. Remember not to push it. If you do, she’ll become more against it. Be casual about. Maybe don’t even bring it up again for weeks or months. But when you guys talk about fantasies, mention it again.
If you’re having a conversation where she’s considering it, points you can mention to make her more comfortable with the idea could include:
• She could go with you.
• You leave if she’s uncomfortable.
• You could go by yourself but not get a dance.
• Keep in mind that the girls have zero interest in you … They are there to make money not find a boyfriend or steal a husband.
• Think of the dancers as porn in real life. You don’t physically interact with them (ie, no touching) … But they’re up more close and personal than porn.
• When you get home, you will be so turned on it’ll be worth her while because SHE was the one who sent you – her being into it is what makes it so hot.
And if all goes well, you’ll be heading over to a strip club with your spouse’s approval … And maybe even with your spouse as well.
The Strip Club
There’s two ways that this can play out: she comes with you; or you go by yourself. Each way can be fun but also has its potential pitfalls.
Let’s start off with the more likely of the two scenarios – your significant other comes with you. You can have a lot of fun. She can have a lot of fun. You can both have a lot of fun. Or it can turn to shit real fast!
To prevent said shit, the two of you should have a thorough conversation before you go. This conversation is where you need to remember to not push her to do stuff or push her to let you do stuff. If she’s uncomfortable with things and you push, it won’t be fun for her anymore and she could call the whole thing off. Or worse, she could agree to something she doesn’t want and then regret it afterwards – that’s where you get the big problems!
You should have a fun but serious talk before you go. Start off by asking her what she might be nervous about. Common concerns she may have include being the only female customer there, or that you’ll just stare at the strippers and ignore her, or that you’ll compare her to them. Alleviate her concerns, tell her she’s incredible and make it so that the second she feels uncomfortable, you leave. Also, if she has a concern that you’ll ignore her, make a note to yourself not to do that when you get there.
You should also discuss what you can and cannot do when you’re there. Is she ok with you getting a lap dance? Does she want to join you for a dance? Can you touch? Or should you just look at the stage.
Two important things to keep in mind:
• Try not to drink a lot. Maybe one or two drinks max. Once you start to feel a little more courageous, you might make decisions that you can’t undo and really regret later. Her seeing you licking a stripper’s nipples may seem fun at the time but may haunt her later when you’re back in your regular day to day life.
• On your first couple of times, maybe just try to get the lay of the land. See how she feels in the situation before you start asking if you can get lap dances. Let her ease into it slowly so she’s good with more down the road.
What you don’t want to have occur is that something she didn’t realize would bother her does end up bothering her. Then the idea of you going to the strip club isn’t something she’s excited about … But rather it’s something that causes her hurt.
When you’re there. Pay attention to your spouse. Check to make sure she’s comfortable. Ask her. Try not to crane your neck to stare at the hot red head with the incredible ass who just walked by. Read your spouse’s body language. Put your hand on hers if she seems uncomfortable. And if she doesn’t want to be there, leave. And don’t make her feel bad about it.
And no matter how the first time there goes, when you get home, YOU MAKE IT WORTH HER WHILE! I’m talking, eating her out for an hour, give it to her in multiple positions and do it with enthusiasm … more than once … Which should come naturally because … Hell, you were just at a strip club with a ton of beautiful naked women and your wife or girlfriend was there with you! How hot is that???
Next time you go, take the exact same approach. Her comfort is utmost. Make her feel that it’s a place that isn’t a threat to her. Once she feels comfortable, she associates your stimulation with her stimulation, the instinct of jealousy turns to compersion! She’ll start to like you seeing other women in a sexual light because she knows you’re going to come back home to her with a big old hard-on in your pants. And you’re gonna’ fuck her with it!
Now, the other way you could end up going to a strip club would be by yourself with her at home. This could happen if she doesn’t feel comfortable going there with you and sends you alone or if you’ve gone a number of times with her and now she feels comfortable sending you without her. Either way, same strategy.
Before you go, have a conversation between the two of you. Discuss what she’s comfortable with and what she’s not. Don’t push the boundaries. She has to feel that she can trust you.
And when you’re there, keep your word to her. Don’t just tell her what she wants to hear with the intent to fuck all the rules and do whatever you want. Women can smell bullshit and you’ll eventually get caught. And then it’s all over – no more watching porn together, no more strip clubs, no chance of having sex with a sex worker … And possibly no more relationship!
Always remember, having sexual relations with sex workers, even just a lap dance, is not considered cheating if you are following the rules set out in your relationship. It IS considered cheating when you agree on one thing but you do something else.
Now, while you’re gone, what the heck should your wife or girlfriend do? Rather than sit and worry about what you’re up to, she can have a couple of glasses of wine and watch a little porn about lap dances turning into blowjobs turning into full sex. Hot!
You guys can even sext each other while you’re there. She can ask about what you see, if there’s anyone you like, what you’re going to do when you get home. This way she feels like she’s included in the excitement of you being there – like she’s part of it but from the comfort of your bed! (Just keep your phone pointed to the ground while you’re texting. The last thing you want is the huge bouncer coming over accusing you of taking pictures of the strippers.)
Now, when you get home, avoid raving about how awesome it was. She may not want to hear about it all at once. Ask her while you’re getting into things if she’d like to hear about it. Let her decide how much she wants to know. She can ask about whatever she feels comfortable with. Gauge her questions and match the enthusiasm in your answers to her level of enthusiasm.
And if she seems as if she’s like she’s starting to feel jealous, remind her that the women there are just porn that can see you as far as you’re concerned.
And no matter what, make sure you make the sex incredible for her that night. And maybe even wake her up the next morning and go again! She’ll remember that the next time you discuss going out.
And talking about going out the next time, don’t ask to go the next weekend. But still have fun with her. You don’t want her to feel like the strip club is the end-all be-all for you. Maybe every couple of months you guys can discuss it and make it like a treat for you.
But when you’re having sex the other times, you can still occasionally put on the stripper porn. And you can talk about what you’ll do the next time you go. Maybe you get a lapdance, maybe you get a lapdance together.
Remember, if you guys do decide to send you for a lapdance, set the ground rules before you go: how many songs, what can you touch and anything else that’s important to her. And when you go, follow the rules you discussed! And when you get back, let her ask about for the details at her own speed.
Each time you go, you can discuss what she’s comfortable with you doing during your lapdance… Caressing, licking, sucking. What does she get off on you doing next?
And, by the way, if you’ve made it this far, congrats because you’re well into compersion territory. But, again, be cautious because jealousy can come rushing back at any moment and ruin everything.
And sometimes it will … And sometimes you won’t even know why.
When You’ve Crossed a Line
Let’s have a look at what happens if you’ve crossed a line during any of this. The repercussions mean that your partner feels betrayed, she’s upset for maybe allowing you to do something she now regrets and she feels like the validity of your relationship is now in question. Some serious stuff.
But what triggered it? She may have agreed to you getting a lapdance. She may have been all caught up in the moment and sent you. But now that the passion of everything has passed, she can’t stop picturing you with naked stripper on your lap. And it’s upsetting to her.
In these situations, you have to give her time and reassurances. Let her know that now that you know she feels this way, you will never push to go again. Remind her that the lapdance was just porn for you. It meant zero compared to her.
You may just have to give her time to get over it. But keep reassuring her while also respecting her space.
Given time, she should come around. However, whatever you do, don’t bring up going again. Even when she has forgiven you.
If you think enough time has passed, you can bring porn back into the bedroom. She may surprise you and start talking about the last time you went to the strip club. Don’t push to go back, but let her be the one to bring it up. When she does this, make sure to have incredible sex with her again. Let her know through how you behave that this turns you on a lot.
Take it slowly and you may find that she’s back into it … You just need to know which part of what happened bothered her and be willing to forgo it until she’s ready to consider it again.
On the other hand, in some instances, the wound may run deeper and she may not be able to get over it with just time and talking. At this point, you may want to seek out a relationship counsellor. It shouldn’t come to this … But if it does, you’ll probably want to put your relationship ahead of seing sex workers.
The Erotic Massage Parlour
Now, if the risk of that kind of danger hasn’t turned you off, it may be time to explore going to a spa.
How do you bring that up? Porn, of course!
While you’re having another passionate night, introduce a porn video that features a sexy masseuse giving a guy an erotic massage. If you need help finding that kind of video, look up Nuru – you won’t be disappointed.
Porn is always fun to talk about while you’re fooling around. If she asks why this, just say it looks hot. Let her watch it with you. Tell her you’d love to have a massage like that one day. She might even say ok.
Or she might not.
If she’s initially against it, you can jokingly remind her that the difference between a lapdance and a massage is the amount of clothes you wear. You can suggest you keep your underwear on throughout and you don’t cum. Maybe do it on your birthday. Again it’ll just be like porn for you … But you always go back home to her.
Don’t push it, though. It’s a big step. You probably won’t go straight away. Keep watching porn … And occasionally work in massage porn. Keep going to strip clubs. Keep texting her while you’re there. Some day she may just surprise you with the green light to a massage parlour.
But don’t bug. Don’t want it every time. And remember to keep the fun about the two of you … Not just you seeing who else you can see.
One day, you may both decide for you to get an erotic massage – maybe together, maybe just you or maybe just her (you can have compersion too, you know.) We’ll focus on the idea of just you for now.
Before you go, it’s the same type of discussion as you had before you went to a strip club. Things you need to discuss can include: how long will your session be, are you fully naked, does she touch your privates, what can you touch on her, do you kiss, is it ok if you cum, can you make her cum and so much more. Together you can even pick out the attendant you’re going to book.
Some massage parlours offer extras. For these you should also factor in: should you perform oral sex on the attendant, should the attendant do it on you, do you have sex with her and, again, so much more.
And I always urge you to use protection. Nothing takes the fun out of things like passing on an STI to your partner. And if you think you’re willing to take the risk, remember that if the attendant is willing to do bareback with you, there’s a good chance that she’s willing to do bareback with a lot of guys … everyday. That risk has suddenly gone pretty high. And there’s some pretty serious stuff out there that you can’t just treat with antibiotics. Use protection!
Going to a massage parlour pretty much follows the same formula as going to a strip club. Your wife is at home with some wine watching porn. You text her here and there to keep her feeling part of it. Be sure to make the experience about you and your partner the whole time. If she begins to feel insecure, reassure her without trying to pressure. If at the last minute she doesn’t want you to go, cancel your appointment and go home, be positive and make her feel great. That way she doesn’t feel bad about cancelling and she may feel more comfortable next time.
While you’re getting your erotic massage, explain all the rules at the start to your attendant. She will always be more than cool with it. She’ll probably have some rules of her own. Now be sure to follow your rules. It can be very tempting at this point to just say “fuck it” and break all the rules … But then you’ve cheated (and the whole reason you’re doing it this way was because you didn’t want to cheat)
and there’s a good chance she’ll figure it out.
When you get home, follow the same guidelines you would follow after coming back from a lapdance. Tell her what she wants to know. But make damn sure to have incredible sex with her, eat her out, whatever. Remember, she’s sending you there to enhance what the two of you have in the bedroom. She’s been kind enough to do this for you (compersion is awesome) you should really return the favour so it doesn’t end up feeling one sided.
Now, when you have sex in the future, she may want to hear about how it turned you on. She’s really getting into it. Indulge her and make it fun. Talk about what you’ve done with lapdancea and massages and talk about what you’d like to do in the future … Maybe a duo or with an escort. You can even bring porn in for either of those scenarios to get her fantasizing about it. Or maybe you’d like to involve her in a massage – some women would like it, some may not.
An Escort or Sex Worker
The jump from a massage parlour to an escort should not be too much of a stretch for her. The rules always need to be discussed, the honesty and trust has to be there and it has to always be about the two of you having fun – not a way for you to have fun without her.
Think of this: she loves you so much that she wants you to find sexual satisfaction with someone else as an enhancement to your sex life. That is incredible! Treat her well because, I’m sure you know, not a lot of women are this open minded.
Also, keep in mind that because your partner has sent you out for some fun, it may not be a free pass for infidelity. You shouldn’t stop by the massage parlour on your lunch hour without her knowing. If you haven’t discussed that, don’t assume it’s ok. If you have discussed it and she’s good with it … Nice!
Just remember that the key here is for it to be something you both enjoy. Every relationship is different, everyone’s fantasies are different and everyone’s levels of compersion are different. Accepting that and having fun within those boundaries can make for a very erotic, satisfying long and healthy relationship.
And if you’ve gotten to this point, or a slightly different point that works for the two of you, congrats! Compersion really is awesome! Enjoy all the sex!
Until next time,